The year 2000 offered a wide array of non-conventional movies for the viewing public, such as “American Psycho,” “Almost Famous,” and “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” Unfortunately, Americans aren’t interested in film, and would rather watch “Mission: Impossible 2.” Hence, the 73rd annual Academy Awards delivered glitz, glamour, and the lowest Nielsen ratings in Oscars’ televised history.

The most important part of the Oscars was not the telecast, but the Britney Spears Pepsi commercial we’ve all been anxiously awaiting. Yes, Britney is thinner than me, prettier than me, and has a hotter boyfriend than me…but she looks like a raccoon, so hah!

But back to the Oscars…I love those charming quick shots they always show us of celebrities in the audience enjoying the show; laughing, clapping, being better than us. I particularly enjoyed the shot of Danny Devito, EATING IN THE AUDIENCE!! This concludes my research on how fat people get fat-by eating all the damn time!

In a surprising upset, Kate Hudson, the obvious favorite, was not awarded the best supporting actress Oscar. But in other Kate Hudson news…have you ever noticed how weird looking Goldie Hawn is? Her face is so small! It looks like a little pug dog. I bet she eats poop.

Bob Dylan performed “Things Have Changed” live via satellite; his Oscar nominated song from “Wonder Boys.” Did anyone else notice his extremely creepy mustache? He looks like he’s preparing himself to pull off a caper. Dylan ended up beating Randy Newman out in the “Best Song” category (thank God! Is anybody else sick of Randy Newman songs about being friends, being nice, and short people?). Anyway, Dylan remarked in his acceptance speech, “Oh good God, this is amazing,” and then went on to thank, among others, Tommy Mattola. I must say, it’s comforting to know that all of my heroes have officially sold out. I might as well become a Bachman Turner Overdrive fan.

And now…some random observations

   * Despite his 1987 style hairdo, Russell Crowe is extremely hot.
   * While watching the E! red carpet coverage I realized that Melissa Rivers is very, very ugly
   * Cameron Crowe should find a new barber.
   * Rita Wilson should be extremely thankful that she’s married well.

So in conclusion; Dylan is creepy, Britney’s a whore, and J. Lo went braless-allowing millions to view her nipples. I’d like to commend her for doing so, because frankly, her breasts really are quite lovely.

By: Kim Maguire - contributing writer