If you saw last week’s Holyfield-Ruiz bout, you are probably as sorry as the Critic.

The fight was scored a draw, and while some have argued that Holyfield should have won, the decision was defensible. Neither fighter did anything to deserve the bout.

The only thing missing was ballroom music to go with the dancing.

The Critic has seen less hugging at family reunions.

Holyfield is a sad shell of his former self, although he still looks great. Ruiz is a tomato can who would get pounded on by any legitimate heavyweight.

The Red Sox made a number of moves this week. Why Dan Duquette cannot recognize that John Burkett is a mediocre starter who happened to luck into a career year last season is mystifying. Tino Martinez and Bret Boone had career years, but none of the teams bidding for their services forgot what those players had done during the entire span of their careers. While the acquisition of Dustin Hermanson for prospects is a good deal, for the same money Boston will pay Burkett and Hermanson next year, they could have had Chan Ho Park as their number two starter after Pedro Martinez.

The Pokey Reese-Scott Hatteberg deal was a no-brainer for the Red Sox. With Jason Varitek out for most of the season last year, Hatteberg revealed himself as at mediocre backup who plays below average defense. Reese is a gold glove winner who will improve at the plate. And with the apparent signing of Johnny Damon, the Red Sox have improved their team defense and speed.

The Critic has not seen as bad a movie as Vanilla Sky for a long time, at least since Dr. T and the Women. Vanilla Sky is like a poor man’s version of the hideous Mick Jagger vehicle Freejack. And no person should be that poor.

Conversely 24 is the best show on television since Law and Order.

Keifer Sutherland. Who knew?

Maybe the Wizards aren’t as bad as we all thought. Still Michael Jordan shouldn’t have come back as a jump shooter.

Where the hell is Etan Thomas?

Grant Hill is proving to be as durable as Terry Glenn. And while we are on the Magic, there is something sad about watching Patrick Ewing play out the string as a scrub in Orlando.

Jason Williams of Duke is so good it is scary. What a nice fit he would be with Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker on the Celtics. Williams may be an all-star as a rookie. But forget about Duke going undefeated, it won’t happen.

It has been a long year for the Critic and last week’s 4-11 record was as helpful as acquiring Darren Oliver.

The Picks . . .

Saturday

Miami +3 over NEW ENGLAND
Terry Glenn asks for day off, citing “late start on Christmas shopping.” To commemorate last regular season game ever played at lovely Foxboro Stadium, all fans are asked to urinate in the bathroom sinks.

OAKLAND –5 over Tennessee
As stocking stuffers, Al Davis gives out do-it-yourself how to sue the NFL kits.

SAN FRANCISCO –3 over Philadelphia
Terrell Owens credits fellow San Francisco athlete Barry Bonds for making him the team player he is. While watching practice, a discombobulated Bill Walsh, thinking he is still broadcasting Notre Dame games for NBC, raves about the pro prospects of Rick Mirer.

Sunday

Dallas +3.5 over ARIZONA
Cardinals mistakenly wander on to the field during the Insight.Com Bowl and drop a close one to Kansas State. Who would have thought that the Rocket would be the second best Ismail in the NFL?

ATLANTA –4 over Buffalo
Michael Vick has a long way to go to overcome Chris Chandler, but remember, for a while viewers thought Judith Light was hotter than Alyssa Milano.

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Cincinnati +11 over BALTIMORE
American Taliban John Walker’s high school guidance counselor revealed to be Bengals coach emeritus Bruce Coslet.

Chicago –2 over WASHINGTON
Starting Tony Banks at quarterback is like driving a car without stopping at a gas station. You may not know exactly how it is going to end, but it won’t be fun.

GREEN BAY –8 over Cleveland
Footage of last week’s debacle in Cleveland reveals that Browns QB Tim Couch joined the crowd in throwing beer bottles on to the field. Film also shows that 3 of his tosses were intercepted.

INDIANAPOLIS –1 over NYJets
If angry Colts fans threw bottles on the field against the Indianapolis defense, fifty percent of the tosses would go for touchdowns.

San Diego +3 over VERMEIL
Unfortunately, Critic fave Doug Flutie is showing almost as many signs of aging as Teri Hatcher.

MINNESOTA Even over Jacksonville
A despondent Tom Coughlin admits to spending less time on his game plan due to breakup of Tom Green and Drew Barrymore. Said the emotional Jaguar headman, “I thought those kids were in it for the long haul.”

Seattle +3.5 over NYGIANTS
Intense pregame pep talk by Jim Fassell interrupted when UPS man delivers director’s cut of How Stella Got Her Groove Back to Jason Sehorn.

PITTSBURGH –10 over Detroit
Crying Kordell’s Sunday night performance against the Ravens was the most impressive showing in the league this year, with the possible exception of Jimmy Smith getting anyone to buy his ‘I didn’t do cocaine even though it was in my urine’ story.

St. Louis –12 over CAROLINA
At post game press conference, Mike Martz claims to have invented Christmas.

TAMPA BAY –3 over New Orleans
Tony Dungy is so conservative that he disgustedly refers to Barry Goldwater as a left-leaning moderate.

By: Scott Shuster