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After seeing an ESPN.Com poll in which the ESPN readers voted Veterans Stadium the worst park in baseball, the Critic’s expectations were low as he made his maiden voyage to the Vet to see the Phillies face the Yankees. However, the Critic’s expectations were not low enough.

The Vet is located in a run down industrial park outside of Philly. The area looks like a combination of the set of The Road Warrior and the locale of a Bruce Springsteen song.

Well they closed down the auto plant near the Vet late last month

Robert Person went looking for a strike, but he couldn’t find none

The parking near the Vet consists of private companies with dirt lots mixed with broken glass. As you approach the Vet, the first thing you see is a substantial pile of garbage in a makeshift dump directly next to the entrance to the park. Not exactly Eutaw Street at Camden Yards.

As we entered the park we discovered it was rubber duck/Philly give away day. All children under the age of 13 were provided with rubber Phillies for the tub. One of our group was seven and a half months pregnant, so we asked for a toy for the future Philly fanatic. The Veterans Stadium employee, who gave new meaning to the word “veteran,” snarled at us that “the toys are only for kids,” with an accent on “kids,” as if we were making the pregnancy up. Sure lady, she gained 60 pounds to trick you into giving us a 10-cent toy. Welcome to friendly Veterans Stadium.

For the game we had seats in section 624, which section forms an isosceles triangle with third base, home plate and God. To get to our section, we had to climb a seemingly endless string of ramps. No elevators or escalators were to be found. When we finally reached our level, we walked through the concourse to our section. However, the walk was not a pleasant one because, despite the 85-degree temperature, there was standing water in the middle of the concourses. Only the Stadium employees and plumbers know where standing water five stories high could have come from.

Upon arrival at section 624, we climbed the stairs to row 9. The stairs were slightly less steep than your average black diamond trail at a ski resort. When we finally got to our seats, we collapsed in exhaustion only to burn our arms on the metal armrests. Touching the armrests with your arm was the equivalent of touching a hot stove, without the remedy of soothing ice that you would get from your freezer to relieve the pain.

Because there were no vendors selling drinks (why would anyone in the upper deck want a drink on a sunny, 85-degree day?), the Critic left to get drinks for our group. Three waters, two beers and a coke later the Critic was out close to thirty dollars. Foolishly the Critic purchased some popcorn. Apparently the Phillies organization is under the impression that fans do not wanted popped kernels with their popcorn. What kernels were present were so stale that the Critic surmised that the corn was likely left over from the signing of the Declaration of Independence party.

The stadium itself is hideous. The new fake turf looks like a miniature golf course that needs to be mowed. The bullpens are literally construction sites, as they actually have work platforms in them. The Critic can’t wait for the first time a player goes on the DL when an errant warm-up toss hits a metal post in the bullpen, ricochets and injures an unsuspecting reliever watching the game.

The stadium is far too big. Fans in the upper deck in the outfield must have felt as though the game was only a rumor.

The in-game entertainment was embarrassing. First of all, as with crying, there should be no in-game entertainment in baseball. But if a team feels the game isn’t enough to keep the fans content, the solution is not to have the Philly Fanatic fight a topless man wearing a Yankees hat while the P.A. system blares the Rocky Theme. Simply pathetic.

The game itself was exciting. The aforementioned Robert Person could not find the plate, but the Yankees did not make him pay for his wildness. On four separate occasions runners stole third uncontested, including Alfonso Soriano twice. Jorge Posada had three passed balls. Bernie Williams turned Pat Burrell’s single into a triple by not taking an angle to cut off Burrell’s line drive, which picked up speed when it hit the fake turf. It was as if the players were playing down to the level of their surroundings.

It is the understatement of understatements to say that the Phillies’ new park can’t be built fast enough. It is no wonder Larry Bowa is always angry, having to manage in that dump every day. Despite its crack, the Liberty Bell is in far better shape than the embarrassing Vet.

Kwame Brown’s Debut

On Tuesday night the Critic made it over to UMass Boston to witness Kwame Brown’s professional debut. The Celtics were playing the Wizards in the annual rookie/free agent/fringe player league and all the game marked the coming out party for the NBA’s overall number one pick.

Despite what you may have read elsewhere, Brown was not particularly impressive. Sure he scored 15 points, but the majority of his points came on mid range jumpers. Brown seemed hesitant to take the ball to the hole, especially against Celtics center Mark Blount, a nice, hustling NBA bench player but nevertheless a player who reminds no one of Tim Duncan. On a couple of the few occasions he went into the paint, Brown threw up wild shots and appeared to be intimidated by Blount’s shot blocking ability. To be fair, Brown displayed a nice shot and looked athletic. He definitely has great potential, but right now he is very raw.

The Celtics showcased three first round picks of their own. Joe Johnson looked athletic and was clearly one of the best players on the floor. Kedric Brown showed an ability to jump out of the gym as well as a deft shooting touch. Joseph Forte looked smaller than one would have expected but he ran the break well. Free agent and former UConn star Khalid El-Amin impressed and looked to be in the best shape of his career. Clearly he belongs on someone’s roster come fall.

The league is clearly saving money on the referee’s uniforms. The refs wore shorts that looked like they were stolen from the local post office. The shorts were so tight they made Bill Parcells’ bike shorts look baggy by comparison. The referees’ jerseys resembled YMCA rejects and were without numbers. The quality of the officiating matched that of the referees’ uniforms.

The Celtics’ first round pick from last year, Jerome Moiso, looked helpless and lost. Rick Pitino just keeps giving and giving.

For an $8 ticket, the event is a bargain. Ticketholders get to attend a double header and the food and drinks are incredibly well priced. There are players, coaches, former players and television personalities all over the gym, making it a great place for kids and autograph hounds. For hoop fans looking to see the top rookies in the league or simply get a summer basketball fix, the league is a great call.

Random Musings

The Critic sure is happy we won’t have to hear any more about Chris Webber’s contract situation. Webber signed for the maximum, so imagine how much he would have been worth had he showed up against the Lakers in the playoffs.

So Terry Glenn’s girlfriend has decided she wants all the charges dropped against Glenn arising out of their domestic abuse case. What a surprise. Clearly Glenn’s lawyers convinced his girlfriend, (and the mother of his child), that her and her child’s financial futures will be all the better with Glenn on the field as opposed to in the slammer. And Glenn will end up paying a fine or going on probation, essentially getting a slap on the wrist.

The Critic likes Sergio for some reason this weekend at the British. He can’t wait to see how Phyllis Mickelson chokes again. Despite his first round lead, Monty will fade.

Joe Mauer, the high school catcher who was the first round pick of the Twins, announced that he will forgo college and sign with Minnesota. It is a shame that he will miss his collegiate career and this trend will kill the college game. What? Oh its baseball? Never mind.

A quick piece of advice. If you rent The Ladies Man, you had better be in a silly mood or it will be a long 84 minutes. Tiffani Thiessen fans will be disappointed.

By: Scott Shuster