Best Breasts

The Oscars are in Need of a Lift:
A Shot of Silicone Should Do the Trick

Despite the drawing power of the show’s host, Steve Martin, and a guarantee by producer Gil Martin that the show would be significantly shorter than last year’s 4 hour 8 minute marathon, the Oscars broadcast on ABC last Sunday night was the lowest-rated telecast in the series since 1986.

The incessant growth in the number of channels available to viewers of cable or satellite television is resulting in a dramatic fragmentation of the TV viewing audience. Niche programming on such channels as Discovery, ESPN, and Lifetime, not to mention the tremendous popularity of “Sex and the City” and “The Sopranos” on HBO, is drawing audiences away from the traditional network fare. How can the producers of the Oscars be expected to protect their once loyal audience when they must compete with the edgier non-network programming? With millions of advertising dollars at stake, the situation is nearing desperation levels and desperate times call for desperate measures. So, I have come up with a simple solution, which if implemented, will almost certainly ensure a larger audience for future Oscars telecasts – focus on the breasts!!

Rather than providing what is typically tedious and dull coverage of the red carpet walk-up, ABC should focus on what really matters (or at least what really matters to the male half of the adult population). ABC should leave the “best dressed” drivel to Joan Rivers and focus their coverage on Hollywood’s best breasts!

Besides, I would argue that being recognized in the popular press for having the best breasts on the night is the award many of the actresses truly seek at the Oscars anyway.