Criticizing the Critic

Movie critics are everywhere and it takes a lot to get noticed. That’s why for every Janet Maslin of the New York Times and Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times, there’s Peter Keough of the Providence Phoenix and Lisa Miller of the Little Rock Free Press. And while Ebert’s quotables find their way into movie ads across the country, Lisa Miller’s quotables are lucky to find themselves taped to a refrigerator door in Miller’s own home.

And don’t think for a moment that critics like Keough and Miller don’t mind the lack of attention. They do. Trust me. Getting your quote picked up by a major film studio is the holy grail of film criticism and film critics everywhere will do anything and say anything to taste that kind of notoriety just once.

Don’t believe me? Just take a look at the print ads for Robin Williams’ latest sap fest, Bicentennial Man. There, in big bold letters, is quite possibly the most compelling reason for public flogging since Larry King proclaimed Louie Anderson to be the funniest comedian of our generation. Because there, in print, for all the world to see, David Sheehan of CBS-TV calls Bicentennial Man “the most beautiful movie of the millennium”.

The millennium! Not the year, not the decade and not even the century. The millennium! The most beautiful movie this guy has seen in the last thousand years! Hey, give him points for originality. I mean, anyone can call The Godfather or Citizen Kane the most beautiful movie of the millennium, but not David Sheehan. He likes Bicentennial Man.

Now I’ve seen some pretty strange things in my life, some that have been more disturbing than I care to remember (Alicia Silverstone as “Batgirl” comes to mind), but never have I seen anything in print which has made me shudder more than this bizarre quote from alleged film critic David Sheehan. First of all, what exactly is CBS-TV? Are we talking the CBS network, or some affiliate in the middle of Iowa? For that matter, who is David Sheehan? Is he a venerable critic who spends his life watching movies, or some 93-year-old guy who hasn’t seen a movie since “talkies” were invented? I decided to find out.

My investigation began, of course, on the internet. While I couldn’t initially find out exactly who David Sheehan is, or where he works, I did find an abundance of his reviews and one thing became immediately clear. This guy is everywhere, and boy does he love movies. It seemed like every movie made in the last half of the twentieth century had a David Sheehan quote attached to it. Free Willy 3? He loved it. Hope Floats? Loved it. What Dreams May Come? Loved it. Steal Big Steal Little? I’ll give you one guess. In fact, if it were up to Mr. Sheehan, Sandra Bullock would be Academy Award winner Sandra Bullock. And what kind of world would that be?

Now I was intrigued. I called CBS TV’s home office in New York City. After having my call transferred throughout the company and speaking with at least eight people (including a very rude man in the CBS janitorial department), I came to the conclusion that Mr. Sheehan is not very well known in the CBS family. Not only had CBS in New York not heard of him, but neither had their Washington, Chicago and Los Angeles bureaus. Apparently genius does go unnoticed, even if you like Hope Floats a whole lot.

I was despondent. I needed to speak with the man who, after viewing a mellinium’s worth of movies still thought Bicentennial Man was the best. And just when I was about to give up, I found him.

David Sheehan works for KCBS-TV in Los Angeles, a station owned by CBS, which would explain the CBS-TV by-line. And apparently he’s a rather well respected film critic who has been working his magic since the early 70’s. He’s even written a book. But nowhere in the page long bio supplied by KCBS-TV does it mention his incredible review of Bicentennial Man. Quite possibly the greatest example of literary hyperbole ever written, yet apparently not worth mentioning in a bio chronicling Mr. Sheehan’s career and achievements, of which this is surely one. So, I decided to call him.

But when I did, an interesting thing happened. A recorded message told me that his voice mailbox was full and incapable of handling new messages. Could it be possible that confused filmgoers from across the nation were taking Mr. Sheehan to task for his outrageous statements? I certainly hope so. But, on the other hand, it did mean that the multitude of questions I had for Mr. Sheehan would sadly go unanswered.

Questions that would help us better understand Mr. Sheehan’s bizarre declaration that Bicentennial Man was, in fact, the most beautiful movie of the millennium. First, I wanted to know which millennium Mr. Sheehan was referring to. If it’s the one just past, then I’d love to know if he’s ever seen films like Fellini’s La Dolce Vita, or Carol Reed’s The Third Man. But perhaps Sheehan was referring to the millennium ranging from the years 0 – 999, in which case Bicentennial Man is, in fact, the most beautiful movie of the millennium. My apologies to David Sheehan.

By: Jason Cahill