What a greedy bastard Barry Bonds is.

Bonds recently announced that he will be appearing at a baseball card show in Atlantic City. The announcement caused some excitement because this past season Bonds became a member of the vaunted 500 home run club, and many collectors collect baseballs signed only by players who have reached the 500-homer plateau.

So what does Bonds do? To get his autograph on a baseball, it will cost a fan $200. But to get his signature on a ball with other 500 home run hitters, it will cost the fan $300. Same autograph. Same effort needed by Bonds. But because he knows he has those collectors over the barrel because they need his signature to complete their collection, he is extorting an extra $100 from them.

Keep in mind that this is the same guy who will soon sign a contract in the range of $17 to $20 million per year.

No wonder the fans didn’t care when he broke the home run record. Hopefully the Giants will recognize that no other team wants Bonds and play hardball with him when negotiating his new contract.

Did baseball forget to announce some new rule under which the A’s couldn’t even pretend that they were trying to re-sign Jason Giambi?

Four years $21 million for Steve Karsay? New York must have decided to either pay him by the serious arm injury or by the blown save.

Joe Torre must have really hated Jeff Nelson. After all, he got 3 years $9.9 million from Seattle last year and is clearly a better and more proven middle reliever than Karsay.

And $10 million a year for John Smoltz is almost as bad. He is now the highest paid closer in baseball despite the fact that he has only a few months of closing experience and an arm slightly more dependable than Terry Glenn.

The Critic’s pick for the Heisman is Miami offensive lineman Bryant McKinnie, the best player in the country, who has dominated every team he has faced. Second would be Rex Grossman. Grossman has been dominant, and it is not his fault the Gators’ defense is the collegiate equivalent of the Colts.

The Celtics have been a pleasant surprise. Paul Pierce has been incredible and Antoine Walker, while still taking too many three pointers, has stepped up his game as well. If Boston had a decent point guard, instead of the hideous Kenny Anderson, they could make some serious noise in the Eastern Conference.

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The Critic, like Elizabeth Berkley looking for work after Showgirls, recovered with an 8-6-1 week.

The picks . . .

NEW ENGLAND –5 over Cleveland
Inspired by the liberation of Kandahar, Terry Glenn returns to the Patriots lineup. After last week’s win over the Jets, a remarkably gleeful Bill Belichick treated himself to a new sideline fleece.

ARIZONA Even over Washington
Always paying attention to detail, Marty Schottenheimer fined Tony Banks for leaving toothpaste in the training room sink.

New Orleans -3 over ATLANTA
After last week’s debacle when referee Phil Luckett deprived Joe Horn of a touchdown, a resourceful Jim Haslett designs sweep which accounts for over aggressive side judges.

BUFFALO –3.5 over Carolina
Despite snowstorm, George Seifert refuses to take off ill fitting shades. Bills feature poorly conceived promotion: all area female high school honor students get to meet running back Travis Henry.

Jacksonville +1 over CINCINNATI
Planning for his new job, Tom Coughlin decides to remove Touchdown Jesus, which he deems a distraction. Bengals Coach Emeritus Bruce Coslet recently resigned as CFO of Enron.

Seattle +6 over DENVER (BEST BET)
With the loss of Ed McCaffrey, Brian Griese has had to help Denver’s inexperienced receiving core, much in the same manner that Alyssa Milano has integrated Rose McGowan into the cast of Charmed.

Chicago +5.5 over GREEN BAY
A normally happy go lucky Brett Favre is perturbed when told by the media that he does not appear to be having as much fun as the cast of Oceans 11.

Tennessee +2.5 over MINNESOTA

If all big brothers had the same effect Cris Carter has had on Randy Moss, there would be a lot more cars missing hubcaps right now.

DALLAS +4 over NYGiants

Some free agents, when they sign a new contract, should kiss their agent. Steve Karsay should Lewinsky his.

OAKLAND –9 over Vermeil

An angry Al Davis, upset with his defense’s poor play, takes away post-game deli platter. Answer: Priest Holmes. Question: Who do Ize axe for forgiveness?

PHILADELPHIA –7 over San Diego

Further establishing his position as the Ray Bourque of football, Junior Seau requests a trade to the Avalanche.

PITTSBURGH –3.5 over NYJets

During the week, Bill Cowher made a shrimp cocktail without using shrimp. “Bad Vinny” appeared during last week’s loss to New England.

San Francisco +7.5 over ST. LOUIS

A somber Bill Walsh explains how the West Coast offense takes into account weather and the human element present in chain gangs. The NFL has outlawed blimps and hot air balloons from flying over stadiums but does permit Brad Johnson passes.

Detroit +9 over TAMPA BAY

If Marty Mornhinweg were a toll collector, everyone would have Easypass.

Monday Night

Indianapolis +4.5 over MIAMI

With two minutes left in last week’s game, Eric Dickerson forgot the score and which team had possession. An irate Rudy Marzke of USA Today slammed his table and chased down a piece of apple pie alamode with some lady fingers and a pint of gravy.

By: Scott Shuster