If baseball had a commissioner . . . the maniacal Ozzie Guillen would not have received a stiffer penalty for calling the insufferable Jay Marriotti a “fag” than Brett Myers did for being arrested after beating the hell out of his wife on the streets of Boston.� Actually, Myers received NO punishment.� � Only in baseball is making an offensive comment to a sports reporter a greater crime than beating your wife.

If baseball had a commissioner . . . the man appointed to head the steroids investigation, George Mitchell, would not be a minority owner of the Boston Red Sox.� No conflict of interest or appearance of impropriety there.� Of course, in baseball’s defense, there is no other man in the United States capable of conducting the investigation.

If baseball had a commissioner . . . there would not be a hill in centerfield in Minute Maid Park in Houston for players to injure themselves on.� Nor a flagpole on which the players might impale themselves.� Nothing like a major league baseball field imitating a miniature golf course.

If baseball had a commissioner . . . the ceiling in Minnesota would not be painted baseball white so outfielders could lose balls in the ceiling (while playing next to an incomprehensible baggy in right field).� Any hitters would not lose home runs by hitting speakers in Minnesota or catwalks in Tampa.� Baseball would have the common sense to understand that balls that hit those impediments clearly would have had the distance to leave the park.� Accordingly the balls would be ruled home runs instead of being in play, and fans wouldn’t have to watch balls actually bounding back towards the hitter or at some other nonsensical direction.

If baseball had a commissioner . . . a midsummer exhibition game that the players could care less about would not decide home field advantage for the World Series.� How about that advantage going to the team with the best record?� It’s not like anyone makes the decision to watch the all-star game because this time it counts.

If baseball had a commissioner . . . but it doesn’t.