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seperated at birth?

Hello gang, just my two cents on what’s going on . . .

When your two best friends announce they are getting separated, it is a trying time. So when Ted Turner and Jane Fonda made their decision, I think it was harder on me than it was on them. I haven’t been this upset about marital woes since my sixth divorce . . . Maybe it’s just me, but methinks ice cream is a great treat on a hot summer day . . . Look for my best friend Al Pacino come Oscar time. I haven’t seen his movie, hell I don’t know if he even has one out right now, but I’m sure it’s tops . . . Just my opinion, but John Rocker shouldn’t have made those comments . . . Speaking of my favorite sport of baseball (when you are childhood best friends with the great Sandy Koufax, how can baseball not be your favorite?), you heard it here first, Ken Griffey Jr. will be a hit in Cincinnati . . .

Quite a race we have for president, don’t you think? I presided over the Republican debate recently and I forgot to refer to George W. Bush and John McCain as Governor and Senator respectively. You see, when you are as close with two people as I am with those wonderful individuals, you can’t help but call them George and John . . . Al Gore called me the other day to tell me he wants to be president . . . Had dinner with my good friends Marlon Brando and Bobby DeNiro last week. Nothing newsworthy to report, I just wanted you to know that I had dinner with them . . . Aren’t you glad we have elevators? . . . One of these days, Steven Spielberg is going to get the recognition he deserves . . . My friends, there’s nothing quite like a good prostate massage . . .

Shawn, Chance and I (yes I am so pompous that I expect that you know my wife and son’s names) can’t wait the arrival of the newest member of our family. I have been busy getting the house ready for the newest Mr. King. Just think, when our new son is old enough to learn how to walk, I’ll be too old to walk! . . . Meanwhile Chance is adorable and thankfully looks just like his Mom. He just said his first word the other day, “alimony” . . . For some reason the little love keeps getting confused and keeps calling the mailman “Daddy” . . . Being a parent is so wonderful that I wonder why I waited so long. Oh yeah, I have kids with my other wives . . . Note to self: wait 2 years, divorce and find another young, money grubbing piece of ass . . .

If John Grisham wrote it, I’m reading it . . . Not that you asked, but if you didn’t like The Hurricane with Denzel Washington, who will be on Larry King Live next week, check your pulse . . . Why bother killing all the lawyers? Just don’t pay them what you owe them . . . If you don’t think Regis Philbin is hot right now, I disagree with you . . . Admit it, taxis provide a useful service . . .

I’m sure you want to know my upcoming schedule, so here goes . . . Monday dinner with Ted and good friend Muhammad Ali . . . Tuesday I emcee a tribute to George Bush, the former president and a close friend . . . Wednesday I interview Monica Lewinsky on Larry King Live. She is decades younger than me and not really a star, so I can act tough with her . . . Thursday radio icon and close friend Don Imus and I co-chair a seminar at Yale University (who ever thought a kid from Brooklyn would be teaching at Yale!) entitled “Old, Ugly Geezers Who Impregnate Young Women” . . . Friday buy new suspenders. When people think suspenders, they think Larry King, so I have to keep my collection fresh . . . Saturday and Sunday negotiate with the devil to buy back my soul.

By: Scott Shuster