The problem with films today is a decided lack of realism that can be rectified through one very simple method. More nudity. And I’m not just talking an occasional breast or two. I want it all. Want to know how to resolve the third act of a tired thriller? Nudity. Or that awkward moment between two lovers forced to part ways? Again, nudity would help. Well it can’t hurt, and really that’s my point. When in doubt, remove some clothing and the rest just writes itself.

Think about it. How often do we hear criticism of movies centering on their absolute lack of any realistic thread. Quite often because it’s an accurate and understandable statement. Movies work based upon one common goal – the suspension of disbelief. Remove that, and you’ve got an audience full of people wondering why the hero just jumped from a burning building onto a nearby flatbed truck which just happens to contain a lifetime supply of mattresses. Or why an entire film’s plot is based on faulty legal reasoning which has the lead character actually believe that she can kill her former husband without repercussion. The moment something like that happens, I look at my watch and think about everything but the preposterous drama playing out before me. And if I’m doing that, the filmmaker simply hasn’t done his job.

Which brings me back to nudity. There is nothing I hate more than to have my belief suspended by an absurdity in conjunction with film nudity, or the lack thereof. I’ll explain. In the recent film “Being John Malkovich”, an absolutely brilliant film, the character played by Catherine Keener has just finished a rather lengthy sex-fest with the John Cusack inhabited John Malkovich character. Of course, like every other movie in recent memory, as soon as he climbs out of bed, she covers her chest with the bed sheets, an act completely unrealistic, not to mention out of character and, more importantly, very distracting. She’s just had sex with him every which way and yet she’s embarrassed to be topless in his presence? I don’t think so. Instead, I think she’d be parading around the apartment without a care in the world and a stitch of clothing on her body.

But am I just complaining because I was denied a chance at seeing Catherine Keener nude? Absolutely. Just like I’ll complain when Jennifer Love Hewitt denies me nudity in her next film, and Christina Ricci in hers. But beyond their desire to please the immature and sex-crazed moviegoer, i.e. me, there are many reasons why film nudity should not only be encouraged, but actually required.

First, the all-powerful dollar. There is a simple equation that film studios and financial investors are well aware of, namely that nudity equals box office. A perfect example is the upcoming Ang Lee period piece set in the days of the Civil War. The movie stars Tobey Maguire, Skeet Ulrich and Jewel and promises to be one giant bore-fest. But, it also promises to mark the big screen debut of Jewel’s breasts. And for that, I’d easily shell out my nine bucks. The same holds true for video sales and rentals, where the pause and rewind buttons come in very handy.

Second, and I can’t emphasize this enough, every actress please repeat after me – nudity is never gratuitous and always integral to the plot. We’ve all heard the excuses – “serious actresses don’t do nudity”, or “the Hollywood community won’t respect me”, or even “it has nothing to do with the plot.” My response? Susan Sarandon. One of the most well respected actresses in modern cinema, Academy Award winner and five time nominee, and she did a nude scene in “Atlantic City”. Not only that, it was a lesbian scene. And you know what? (And here’s the greatest lesson of all). She was nominated for Best Actress for her trouble. Not enough for you? Well, how about the best actress of all-time, Meryl Streep. She bared all in both “Silkwood” and “Still of the Night” and still manages to win the occasional Academy Award. See? Show some flesh and win an award, it’s actually very simple.

And finally, one problem that most movies share is that at some point they all hit a slow patch. In “Forest Gump” it was the running scene, in “Austin Powers II” it was every scene with Austin Powers, and in “The Mummy” it was every scene. My point is, they all have them, even the best. And speaking from the male perspective, the best remedy for a boring scene is the addition of gratuitous nudity. In “Notting Hill”, instead of Hugh Grant moping around the streets of London, how about moping around a strip club? He might be upset, but he’s not dead. Or in “Never Been Kissed”, instead of Drew Barrymore crying over her most recent rejection, what if she did it while topless? It would still convey the same message, i.e. she’s sad, and sad people do take their tops off, don’t they?

See, it all makes perfect sense. Now if only Jennifer Love Hewitt would listen.

By: Jason Cahill