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The Critic enjoyed a remarkable 12-3 week, so he checked into the dates of the nearest Alyssa Milano filmfest.

Thursday

Denver –6.5 over DALLAS

Two teams coming off of disgraceful performances, but only one of them has Ryan Leaf starting at quarterback. Cowboys coach Dave Campo is aging faster than Linda Gray. Remember what a babe Victoria Principal was?

Green Bay –6.5 over DETROIT
Sad to say, Pat Summerall is the television version of Steve Carlton getting shelled in the American League at the end of his career. Fox crosses the promotional line when it promotes its new show 24 by superimposing Keifer Sutherland’s entire body over Charlie Batch’s head.

Sunday

New Orleans Even over NEW ENGLAND
Adding insult to injury, Tom Brady asks Drew Bledsoe if he will sell him Bledsoe’s number 11.

Atlanta –3 over CAROLINA
This one reeks of a sucker bet, but then again the Critic was convinced that Andrew Dice Clay was here for the long hall.

Cincinnati +6 over CLEVELAND
Benjamin Gay sounds more like an admission in ebonics than it does the name of a backup running back.

San Francisco +3 over INDIANAPOLIS
If the Colts defense were crossing guards, elementary school children would perish like the Taliban.

Baltimore Even over JACKSONVILLE
Brian Billick gets miked when he tells his children bedtime stories. If health centers gave away condoms and syringes with the frequency that Elvis Grbac gives way footballs to opposing defenses, there would be no more AIDS.

Seattle +1 over KANSAS CITY
During team dinner Trent Green was intercepted when he attempted to pass the stuffing. In a moving tribute to the recently retired Mark McGwire, the Seattle franchise formerly pardons his brother Dan.

BUFFALO +5.5 over Miami
Injured Rob Johnson shows up late on Bills sideline when he loses tracking of time “while tanning.”

MINNESOTA –3 over Chicago
Dennis Green views the running game in much the same manner that a home owner views rising real estate taxes.

NYGIANTS +2 over Oakland
During Thanksgiving feast, Al Davis ponders the possibility of the Pilgrims moving from Plymouth Rock to the more populated Boston area.

Washington +8.5 over PHILADELPHIA
The story last week was how the ‘Skins overcame the loss of Tony Banks to beat the Broncos. Excuse the Critic, but one overcomes the loss of Tony Banks like one overcomes the shock of finding money in your clothes.

SAN DIEGO –7 over Arizona
At a press conference earlier this week Commissioner Paul Tagliabue announced that the league “is not interested in getting involved in nation building.”

TENNESSEE –2 over Pittsburgh
Eddie George blames sub par season on “kicking it with Ma.”

Monday Night

ST. LOUIS –10.5 over Tampa Bay
Tony Dungy has less job security than a temp at an internet startup. Eric Dickerson reports “Both teams want this one, back to you Al.”

By: Scott Shuster