November 29, 2001

The Critic’s 3-11-1 week was about as pleasant as a naked Golden Girl. The picks . . .

Thursday Night

Philadelphia –3 over VERMEIL

A thoughtful Trent Green gives penalty flag hanker chiefs to an emotional Dick Vermeil as an early Christmas gift, which the great one immediately put to use.

Sunday

MIAMI –3 over Denver

If Cal Ripken Jr. had been a Bronco running back, his streak would have ended after his first homestand.

Indianapolis +7 over BALTIMORE

With the loss of Edgerrin James, Payton Manning faces a challenge very similar to the one Alyssa Milano faces on Charmed this season without the departed Shannon Doherty.

NEW ORLEANS –10.5 over Carolina

After season ending injury, Willie Roaf volunteers his services as a Mardi Gras float. On a past trip to Mardi Gras, George Seifert threw copies of his patented goofy sunglass straps to the crowd.

Minnesota +7 over PITTSBURGH

Dennis Green despises the running game so much that if he were in charge of the Summer Olympics, he would take the track out of track and field.

NYJETS –3 over New England (Best Bet)

Upon hearing of yet another suspension of Terry Glenn, Bill Parcells grabbed a powdered doughnut, let out a loud belly laugh and treated himself to another pair of size medium polyester Bike football shorts.

St. Louis –8 over ATLANTA

The Critic doesn’t see the Rams as the Super Bowl lock that everyone else does. If Mike Martz were any more insufferable, he would be wearing suspenders and hosting a talk show on CNN.

Tampa Bay +6 over CINCINNATI

Jon Kitna, Scott Mitchell and Akili Smith couldn’t score if they were in a whorehouse with a fistful of fifties.

Tennessee +1 over CLEVELAND

Due to his confusing chalk with anthrax, Eddie George refuses to go within 10 yards of goal line.

Detroit +7.5 over CHICAGO

Watching Matt Millen go crazy when Marty Mornhinweg did not challenge an out of bounds call in the closing moments of the Lions Thanksgiving loss was truly something to be thankful for. Mornhinweg wears the expression of a man about to run out of gas on a freeway.

SEATTLE –3 over San Diego

To pump up crowd before game, former Seahawk Dave Krieg fumbles the ceremonial first snap.

Dallas +8.5 over WASHINGTON

The Skins started off the season 0-5, but are presently on a five game winning streak. America hasn’t seen such a dramatic transformation since Tiffani (no longer Amber so she can be considered a serious actress) Thiessen went from the virginal Kelly of Saved By to the slutty Valerie on Beverley Hills 90210.

Buffalo +9 over SAN FRANCISCO

Bill Walsh calls Steve Mariucci and Terrell Owens into his office to try to talk out their differences, but little is accomplished when Walsh digresses into a discussion of how he made the West Coast offense a cultural phenomenon.

OAKLAND -13 over Arizona

Jealous that droves of young children rushing to see Harry Potter, a
disgusted Al Davis laments that today’s youngsters lack “a committment to excellence.” When Jon Gruden went to see the flick, he purchased a kids ticket, but questioned young Potter’s lack of respect for special teams.

Monday Night

Green Bay EVEN over JACKSONVILLE

Tom Coughlin blames Taliban prison riot on a lack of focus. Jacksonville police launch investigation to figure out who spiked Jimmy Smith’s urine with cocaine. MNF sideline reporter Eric Dickerson reports, “The Jaguars need to play good defense to stop Brett Favre, back to you Al.”

By: Scott Shuster