Another week, another bad job by the Critic, as 6-8-1 attests. At least Osama Bin Laden looks like hell.

The Picks . . .

Saturday

Baltimore +1 over TAMPA BAY

There is no gray area about how people feel about the Bucs, either you are with them and think they have finally turned the corner, or you think Tony Dungy has had more second chances than Steve Howe. During the offseason, Baltimore courted Brad Johnson before signing Elvis Grbac which, in retrospect, was like going to the movies and opting for Battlefield Earth over Ishtar.

Sunday

Indianapolis +13 over ST. LOUIS

Jim Mora is wound so tight that if his teeth were made of wood, his tongue would be full of splinters. But the Critic appreciates the comedy he brings, and hereby lobbies Bill Polian for Mora’s retention.

Minnesota +11 over Green Bay

At a greater Minneapolis restaurant, Randy Moss and Rasheed Wallace were seen eating together at a table for one. What a great baby sitter Cris Carter has turned out to be for Moss. The Vikings would have been better of having Robert Downey Jr. fill in. And meanwhile Carter has shown his true colors by intimating that he would like to play for Green Bay next year. How the media has missed what a phony this guy is mystifies the Critic, much like Steak-Umms.

CAROLINA –1 over Arizona

Looking to really punish Rae Carruth, the North Carolina Department of Corrections make him sit in the upper deck for this one.

Buffalo +7 over NYJETS

Vinny Testaverde’s inner monologue:

Bad Vinny: Throw it down the middle Vinny, you can fit it in there.

Good Vinny: Dump it off for a short gain.

Bad Vinny: Down the middle, it’s December, throw the ball across the field, you didn’t deserve the Heisman, you cost your team the National Championship, Shane Conlan, throw the ball to the Bills, you jackass!

Good Vinny: Okay, just make that voice stop!

Chicago –3.5 over DETROIT

If Matt Millen were a crime boss in Detroit, the jails of Michigan would be even more crowded than usual. Considering the players he keeps winning with, Bears coach Dick Jauron makes McGyver seem unimaginative.

TENNESSEE –6.5 over Cleveland

Tim Couch has taken more punishment than a beardless, gay man in Afghanistan under the Taliban regime.

JACKSONVILLE –4 over Vermeil

Sure the season hasn’t worked out the way we wanted for our guy Dick Vermeil, but nobody ever said that Embrace of the Vampire was the best idea Alyssa Milano ever had either.

Atlanta +7 over MIAMI

Jay Fielder is like the girl in high school who would have been hot if she changed her hair, dressed better, used makeup and stopped having children.

Pittsburgh –7.5 over CINCINNATI

The NFL refusing to pull a Bud Selig on the Bengals is identical to the mindset of the Michigan judiciary who put Dr. Kevorkian in jail for putting old people out of their misery.

San Francisco –6 over DALLAS (BEST BET)

Jerry Jones put his team’s future in the hands of Quincy Carter. He put his face in the hands of his plastic surgeon. Anyone want to guess how many shares of Enron he owns?

PHILADELPHIA –4.5 over NYGiants

Veterans Stadium has been as good a home to the Eagles (3 wins 4 losses) as Rockingham was for Nicole.

Oakland –1 over DENVER

In a modern day NFL episode of Scrooge, Al Davis dreams that his team is coached by Mike Shanahan and managed by Carmen Policy.

Seattle +1.5 over SAN DIEGO

Those who had high hopes for the Chargers with Norv Turner as offensive coordinator are the same people who shake their heads in disbelief when they lose on scratch card lottery tickets.

NEW ORLEANS –5 over Washington

Common new year’s resolutions of NFL general managers: lose weight, spend more quality time with family and do not sign Tony Banks as a free agent.

By: Scott Shuster